The Search for Meaning

"What's the point if you're not having fun, right?"

I pause to take it all in before I respond. The trees, the beauty all around us, the eyes looking back at me, the sheer absurdity that this person would be sitting here with me under this tree, sharing his philosophy of life with me.

"Well, I think there are several points, actually," I tell him, still rather surprised that this is really what he believes.

"Well, I haven't found any."

In that moment, I realize that he hasn't been looking. It hasn't occurred to him to search for meaning beyond momentary pleasure.

The search for meaning, for purpose, for "the point" in any given situation or season of life, is a primary drive of my day to day existence. I've been asking "Why?" to just about everything, ever since I was a small girl. Whether in work, play, or rest, I always find the deepest joy when I am tapped into the profound meaning behind it all.

So today, I sip my coffee and pound out these thoughts, propped up against one of several bookshelves that give witness to my never-ending search for meaning. I share the occasional laugh or intermittent thought with my husband as he enjoys a basketball game.

Blue sky, green trees, and deep thoughts pull my mind back to our time in the woods last weekend.

"God can do whatever He wants." These words from a friend, spoken in the midst of woods and children playing and a leisurely meal with our families...these words give me a box big enough to put all my questions in. A place where my lack of answers can rest. Where my unknowing can be known. Where there is a wisdom bigger than knowledge. A love that is not weak. A power that does not dissipate. A God that is strong.

A place where no matter what happens, there is always purpose.

Always meaning.

And sometimes fun. :)


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A Rhythm of Abundance

Thoughts of the coming fall, pictures of children going to school, schedules and programs getting under way at church… it all has me stirred to ponder once again my rhythm of life.

As a creative type, time management is not an easy topic, but rather an epic journey – an existential exploration. The fact is, this stuff doesn’t come naturally to me. So I can go into default mode, and float away with the wind, or I can take the opposite extreme and pull myself up by my bootstraps. Neither one is effective.

I spent most of my life on the bootstraps approach, and now that I have been set free from that, I am so very tempted to just float away with the wind. J Yet I am learning that it is not middle ground that I’m going for here – it is the abundant life:

A life full of grace and rhythm and freedom and delight.

A life in which I walk with my shepherd, whether I’m in the valley, on the mountaintop, or beside quiet streams.

I have often questioned my shepherd because of where He has taken me, but as I journey farther along, I am realizing that it was never about the scenery. It was always about my traveling companion. He has been with me the whole time. I have often missed out on the richness and joy of that truth, because I was consumed with my locale – distraught by valley, elated by the mountaintop, impatient with the quiet streams.

Now, I sit by a quiet stream and soak it in. I solemnly relinquish control over any valleys to come. I remain anchored as I head for the mountain top. All because I am learning this:

He is WITH ME.

He loves me.

Completely.

He will never forget my needs.

He will never forget my dreams.

There is so much I don’t understand. I cannot grasp the reason behind the suffering and the loss, in my life or the lives of others, and this humbles me. Yet also, I cannot even begin to fathom these ridiculous blessings. The gifts He gives me that I wouldn’t have even been able to figure out how to ask for. Because I am so deeply known and loved by Him that He knows even better than I do what will delight me in the deep and forgotten places of my heart.

God gives good gifts.

This gift-giver is the one who walks with me, who lives in me, who works in me and through me – even when it seems that my world turns upside-down. This is a deep and beautiful mystery that I will never understand. So this is the choice I make – to walk with Him. To reach out and take the hand that reaches for mine. To trust even when it seems dark and despairing. To keep holding on when I want to run ahead. To sink into this reality of just being with Him.

What does this have to do with time management? If you aren’t a creative type, then I have surely confused and irritated you by now (thanks for hanging in there, anyway). For those who are creative types, this will make perfect sense to you…

I can submit myself to order, to the mundane, without losing hope – because my hope lies in the One who holds my hand through the journey. I don’t see how the gap between my current reality and dreams can be crossed. I don’t have to figure it out. I don’t have to give up. I can simply show up and be faithful and participate in the plan He has for me.

And when all seems to be descending into chaos, I don’t have to cling to order. I can cling to the God of order.

The application of this for me, for this weekend, is this:

I am planning to spend time with my husband – enjoying him, and enjoying the sweet freedom and hope that God has abundantly given. Part of that time will include some fun – a date, some time with friends – and part of that time will include the more difficult parts of managing this life and household.

The hardest part? Without a doubt, that would be the  finances. This is the place that tests my living out these truths that I espouse.

So one of my goals for this weekend is this: to look into my husband’s eyes as we talk about bills and budgets and still be filled with hope and abundant love.

Because I believe in a God of abundance.

I believe in a God who will complete His work in me, who will complete His work in my husband.

I believe in a God who completed His work on the cross.

So I endeavor to set my life to that rhythm.

 

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A Beautiful Mess

I was walking through the woods this morning, taking in the beauty, when I came upon this tangled-up tree. Something deep inside of me saw its reflection in these branches. 

I stood, and I stared.

Am I really surrounded by beauty?

Or is this just a big mess?

I came out here to be enveloped by God's creation, by His beauty, and for the first time I am seeing that this beauty is very messy.

My stomach rumbles, and my thoughts turn to the Saturday morning ritual that my husband and I have settled into. Banana pancakes (which my husband learned from his mom - yum), good music, picking up around the house, cleaning...

And inevitably there will be a "Jelani, you left your bag next to the coffee table. Can you please put it away? It's driving me nuts."

I imagine what it would be like if I took the same approach out here in the woods...

"Lord, you left an uprooted tree right next to the lovely waterfall. Don't you think you could move it somewhere else? It's rather unsightly..."

"And the evergreens are all mixed together with the deciduous trees, could You put them where they go?"


"Also, You dropped these leaves everywhere...they are all over the path.."

Hmmmm. Maybe I will let God decorate and organize as chooses. :) It seems He is wise enough to know when messy is beautiful!


I wonder where if there are places in my life where I see mess, and He is trying to show me the beauty?

Messy relationships. 

Mismatched moments of grief and fun. 

Faltering attempts at time management.

Tangled-up emotions...

Lord, show me Your beauty in this messy life of mine. Help me to let go of trying "get it right" and enjoy the gifts you've given. 

Even the painful ones. 

I entrust this beautiful mess to You.

___

Acts of Hope

Have you ever heard someone say that when you are depressed, you should help someone else? Have you ever heard someone say that you should praise God even when you don't feel like it?

I've been told these things more times than I can count. And it was always a struggle for me to wrap my heart around.

Because there were many times that I had been depressed in the past and helped others, and in the process I was believing things that weren't true - that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter, that I had to fix them in order to be okay. But those didn't come from God - they came from the enemy of my soul who wants to keep me as far from God's love as possible.

And there were times that I didn't feel like praising God and it seemed like I would be fake or a hypocrite if I praised Him anyway.

Can you relate to either of these?

Well, this morning, my heart began to grasp this in a greater way. I will explain with a story...

Imagine yourself on the bus, 5 minutes away from home. You are holding an apple, and you are about to start eating it (discreetly, of course, so that the bus driver doesn't notice...) when a desperate-looking man asks if he can have your apple.

Now, you happen to know for a fact that there is a big bowl of fruit sitting on your kitchen table. So, you hand him your apple without a second thought.

You can hand him the apple because you have the hope of eating an apple in just a few minutes. And if you want, maybe you will also eat an orange and a kiwi.

Well, the application of this is a lot more difficult, but it is the same principle. I know (whether I feel it or not) that God loves me, that my feelings DO matter to Him, and that I can trust Him to fix whoever or whatever needs to be fixed.

So I can reach out and encourage someone, even when my heart feels hopeless, because I have hope in a God who has a whole bowl full of love and encouragement waiting for me! Even if I can't see it.

And, I can praise God, not pretending to be happy, but choosing to focus on the things that are true even when I don't feel them.

The truth is, if you have confessed with your mouth Jesus is truly in charge of the whole planet and your life and believed in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, then you have a real and factual hope.

So even if you don't feel hopeful, you can still act on the hope that you have.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:5)