Five Years

I've come to the conclusion that there is one thing I have been learning over the last 5 years:

I am weak.

In my areas of weakness, I am weak.

In my areas of strength, I am weak.

I need God's help.

When I help myself, I heap on extra helpings and gain many pounds. When I find help in books, I may add rules to the gospel. Or I may discover profound truth, and think myself wise, as pride creeps slowly in. When I find help from people, I am tempted to rely on them too much.

I need God's help.

My personality and my circumstances combined to create a form of strength for a moment, but it quickly wore off.

Everything I rely on to save me from the pain of this moment ultimately fails me.

So I choose rely on the God that seems silent sometimes. The One who allows me to wonder if He is really coming to rescue me. He always does. But He is teaching me to believe it before I see Him coming around the bend on the white horse. The waiting and doubting seem to last so long!

But never as long as these last 5 years.

I remember wondering how long it would take me to adjust to this new place.

"Give it a year," she said.

A year to adjust to the city. But how long to adjust to the reality of all that I left behind?

How long to adjust to the reality of who I am without my support system?

How long to adjust to the ever-changing difficulties I walked into?

How long to learn that I can't do this life - ANY of it - without God's help?

Five years.