I would have followed my dreams, but...

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What is it that gets in the way of pursuing our dreams, of becoming who we want to be?

Are we too lazy? Are we unwilling to work toward what really matters to us?

Do we just need to pull up our bootstraps and push harder?

There is a lot of advice out there that would suggest that this is the case. Perhaps it is true for some, or even many people. But what I find most often to be true in my own life, and the lives of those around me, is that we are more than willing to “suck it up” and push through and work hard. In fact, it seems that workaholism has become so normal in our society that it is held up as morally enviable.

There are times when God will tell people to sell all they have and give the money to the poor. Or leave a whole life behind and go to a new place. This is scary, to be sure, but in some ways it is easier to obey and sacrifice in these dramatic-calling-of-God moments. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty adventurous and don't mind leaning into the storm when there is an inspiring cause to fight for.

What I find much harder to do is to follow the nudge of the Holy Spirit that propels me, not into danger or sacrifice, but into situations that are just downright awkward.

I often find myself after church on Sunday talking to the same humble, tough-looking man. A practical, hard-working guy, he is far more likely to be found talking about how to fix the foundation of the church building than waxing existential about the theological foundations of the church. When he speaks of God, he often reaches to find the right words to express himself, but his watery eyes speak volumes of the goodness of God.

He tells me a story about walking past a hospital and sensing the leading of God to go inside and pray for someone. He's not sure what he'll do when he gets in there, or if they'll even let him in, but he goes anyway. Once inside, he still has no idea who he is supposed to pray for. He strikes up a conversation with a nurse – she's friendly, but busy, and goes along her way. Awkward! He turns and spots a couple of men sitting in the corner of the waiting room, and instantly knows that these are the ones he's supposed to pray for.

And now for the approach...what to say? Will they be receptive? Again, awkward! He walks up and offers to pray with them. These men have a mom who is here in the ER, so they pray for her. When the prayer is over, one of these men is visibly moved. During that prayer, God did something powerful in him that had nothing to do with his mom.

My friend got to see the power and love of God manifest in that moment. And he could have so easily missed out on that God-encounter – he could have so easily said no, or brushed it off because it is just so awkward.

I find myself fighting this mental battle often. I want to be someone who loves God and loves people. Someone who embodies the reconciliation power of Christ, who delivers God's love in life-changing ways.

Yet when God gives me a glimpse into someone's soul, revealing to me how much He loves them, I find that expressing these things to them is just so awkward.

I often fight this idea that it's just not normal to love people this much. It makes me look weak. I don't like to look weak. It makes me vulnerable – which opens me up to being rejected or looking foolish. And I certainly don't like being rejected, or even looking foolish.

Then I ask myself this question:

Am I willing to make a fool of myself in order to show God's love to people?

Jesus was willing to make a fool of Himself, and so much more, to show His love for me!

I mean, at the end of the day, if people end up thinking to themselves, “Wow, God must love me, because He sent this crazy lady who got all weird... I'm glad He loves me, but wow, she is strange!”

...then wouldn't that actually mean that I had reached my goal?

Will I be content with fulfilling my dreams of all God has for me, even if it stays awkward?

What if I reach the end of my life, and find myself saying, “Well, I always wanted to become ________, but it was just too awkward.”

Would I be content with that?

No!

Okay, Lord.

You got me.

I'll do awkward. :)

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