Grief. Joy.

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Today, I grieve.

I grieve so many marriages ripped apart, and my heart along with them.

I grieve what could have been - if my heart had not been so crushed by life at such a young age. Or if I had opened my frightened heart to His healing hands a couple decades sooner. I don't understand why a life that seems easy on the outside could have been so full of suffering on the inside.

I grieve a friend who gave up so many years ago, and I wish I could go back and breathe life into him. Speak to him of truth and Love made flesh that died so we don't have stay in death. I wish I could share the hope I now have. Too late happened too fast. Why didn't I grasp grace sooner so I could give it away?

So I ask myself, in the midst of sorrow deep, can the good news be good to me today? Can it bring me joy today?

I know that the answer is yes...

...Because I know the God who can somehow love the adulterous wife - chase her, woo her, adore her - with no less love than if she had been faithful. Because His Son took all the judgement and retaliation she deserves.

...Because I know that somehow God's glory is being revealed through my story. And though I wish it had been sooner, He has healed my heart in ways I never would have imagined possible. And He will continue. Because Jesus conquered death and He breathes his victory into me when I collapse with defeat. He is making me new. He is pulling out ugliness at its root, and it is a beautiful thing He is doing.

...Because I know that God's grace and love and sovereignty weren't on hold until I grasped them. My God is alive and active regardless of how I feel and what I think. He pursues His beloved creation, with or without me. He doesn't need me. Yet, He includes me anyway when He sees fit. He fills broken vessels with love - so full that it spills out over the top and splashes those around. What a crazy, beautiful miracle.

The same God who walks with me through the darkest valley also leads me to quiet streams, peaceful meadows. Places where flowers grow and I can twirl and laugh and be filled with His joy. He refreshes and restores my life.

The sun could rise and set each day, without fanfare, and it would still be an amazing creation. Yet God takes the opportunity to create a masterpiece in the sky that is just for today. It will never be the same again...He will start all over tomorrow. He made waterfalls that wash my soul, friends who know exactly what I mean and friends who don't understand but love me anyway.

This same God made my quirky husband who often forgets his manners but always loves me radically and brings me breakfast in bed on the tough mornings (which are many) and who daily serves me and daily delights in me. It baffles me how he so often sacrifices for me, and it points me to the cross where Jesus sacrificed for me.

This same God made daffodils. Such silly, unnecessarily frivolity. Yet God knew that it would romance the hearts of those He created.

I don't understand this world, this life. It is far too horrible and far too wonderful to understand. I would have made it all different if it had been up to me. Thankfully, it's not up to me.

I am so blessed to know this God who is not shaken, who cries my tears, who woos my heart, who understands what I do not understand, who's big enough to handle it all, yet draws so close in the midst of each moment.

This is where I find my joy.

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