Faith Unfurled

Time Management: It's All About Rhythm

2011-11-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

As a creative type, I have (finally!) nailed down three major elements of time management that actually work for me:

1. Routines 2. Projects 3. Rhythm

Routines:
Now, at initial glance, the thought of a routine sounds B-O-R-I-N-G. However, the type of routine that I have discovered that I like and need is the kind I can do without thinking. Anything I can do by muscle memory, or because that's what I always do when I wake up, etc. is very helpful for me. First of all, it means that I'm accomplishing something without having to make decisions or create momentum - and that is a VERY good thing for someone like me. Secondly, it adds structure and stability to my life, which everyone needs. This is especially important for me, because even though I need structure, I am not naturally inclined to create and sustain structure. If I am left to my own meandering creative path, with no structures in place, who knows where I will wander off to! :)

Projects:
Projects work well for me because I can immerse myself in them and become inspired by them. They also work well for me because they have a definite beginning and a definite end. I can only sustain focus on one area for so long before I move on. So if I start something that requires ongoing maintenance that isn't a habitual routine (such as a garden) it will likely be abandoned along the way when something else inspiring comes along. But if I take on a project that is short enough that my momentum can last 3/4 of the way in, and the last 1/4 could be covered by diligence, desire for the satisfaction of completion, and the grace of God....then it is a workable-sized project.

The combination of routines and projects helps me to minimize the necessity of LISTS. Don't get me wrong, I like lists. As long as it is short enough to fit on a post-it note, an index card, or the screen on my Android phone. When it gets longer than that, I may start to feel overwhelmed, guilty, or I may just come down with a case of the "shoulds". The best case scenario is if I condense my "to do" items into projects, so I can just focus on one big thing at a time. Then I can leave the list for miscellaneous stuff like "return library books" and "set up auto-payment for bill" - or my favorite kinds of "to do" items: "email Annette about coffee" and "call Grace" and "text Ariel". :)

Rhythm:
A healthy balance of projects and routine both contribute to the larger aim of having a rhythm of life. In this last season, I have had the freedom to experiment more with a rhythm that works for me - mostly by trial and error. :) As an ENFP, one thing that is particularly essential is taking time to get centered. I am learning that I need to make sure that I get a chunk of time to get centered at the end of the work week, along with smaller times to get centered throughout the week. I'm also learning that for me, most experiences with people require time to process afterward. Maybe they said something confusing or interesting that my brain needs to sort through, or maybe they inspired me on a topic and I need time to reflect on how to incorporate it into my life. Or maybe they are struggling and I need time to entrust that burden to God so it doesn't weigh me down.

Another part of rhythm is knowing I have chunks of time set aside for things like home tasks, sabbath time, and people time so that the need for each of these isn't taking up mental RAM while I'm trying to do something else.

For people who are more practical and productivity-minded, this may seem ridiculously obvious, but for a creative type, here is a revolutionary thought: most things in life require preparation beforehand and clean-up or follow-up tasks afterward. I am trying to learn a "before, during, after" rhythm instead of my old approach of "dive in" followed by "dive in to the next thing".

Update from Time Management: Cell Phones and Emails and Computers, Oh My!
As for the tools I knew were working for me, they still apply. :) I use my netbook a lot and still LOVE Xmind. Only change is that my Blackberry has been replaced by an Evo (at my husband's prompting...dare I say nagging?).

On the other hand, my hopes for getting email under control have been dashed. All systems thus far break down at the "consistent follow through" step. The only solution I have come up with so far is to continue to offer myself grace and hope my friends do, as well. :)

On the plus side, I know of all kinds of tools that will help people who have better follow-through than I. However, I'm not sure those are the people who really need the tools. Hmmm. Catch-22?

If you read my last time management post (in April) you will know that one thing I aim for is that technology would work for me and not against me! A key piece of this is that I want social media to augment and improve my flesh-and-blood relationships, not distract from them or dilute them. This is one I have to keep re-examining. Trolling through facebook's news feed status updates on my phone can be an addictive distraction. However, when I go to a good friend's page or see an update from them, it helps me stay connected to them when it wouldn't otherwise be practical to do so. Enter stage left: Facebook's new Close Friend's List. I'm hoping this will help me keep up with the people I am trying to intentionally do life with, instead of losing track of them while I read about where That-Guy-I-Met-At-Some-Conference-Last-Year went to lunch.

A Beautiful Mess

2011-10-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

I was walking through the woods this morning, taking in the beauty, when I came upon this tangled-up tree. Something deep inside of me saw its reflection in these branches.

I stood, and I stared.

Am I really surrounded by beauty?

Or is this just a big mess?

I came out here to be enveloped by God's creation, by His beauty, and for the first time I am seeing that this beauty is very messy.

My stomach rumbles, and my thoughts turn to the Saturday morning ritual that my husband and I have settled into. Banana pancakes (which my husband learned from his mom - yum), good music, picking up around the house, cleaning...

And inevitably there will be a "Jelani, you left your bag next to the coffee table. Can you please put it away? It's driving me nuts."

I imagine what it would be like if I took the same approach out here in the woods...

"Lord, you left an uprooted tree right next to the lovely waterfall. Don't you think you could move it somewhere else? It's rather unsightly..."

"And the evergreens are all mixed together with the deciduous trees, could You put them where they go?"

"Also, You dropped these leaves everywhere...they are all over the path.."

Hmmmm. Maybe I will let God decorate and organize as chooses. :) It seems He is wise enough to know when messy is beautiful!

I wonder where if there are places in my life where I see mess, and He is trying to show me the beauty?

Messy relationships.

Mismatched moments of grief and fun.

Faltering attempts at time management.

Tangled-up emotions...

Lord, show me Your beauty in this messy life of mine. Help me to let go of trying "get it right" and enjoy the gifts you've given.

Even the painful ones.

I entrust this beautiful mess to You.

___

Time Management: Cell phones and emails and computers, oh my!

2011-04-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

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Do you ever feel like you need a personal assistant? I'm not talking about thinking, "Wow, that would be luxurious!" - I'm talking about thinking, "Well, I can't afford a personal assistant, so how on earth am I going to survive in this world?"

One thing I am forever trying to figure out is how to get technology to work FOR me and not against me. :) Two major ones are the cell phone and the email. I feel pretty good about my cell phone usage... I stand by the general premise that my cell phone exists for MY convenience, not for the convenience of everyone else. In fact, there are many times that I don't answer my phone, for the basic reason that I don't want to be interrupted from what I'm doing. I also find that it's a lot easier to listen to someone's message and actually be prepared to call them back with an answer to their question (as opposed to completely derailing what I'm working on just so I can say, "Huh, I dunno. I'll have to think about that and get back to you."). Or, if they called just to talk, I can take the time to completely set aside what I'm working on and give them my full attention for a conversation.

Email management, on the other hand, seems to continually plague me. There are several systems that I love, including GTD. I've read tons of stuff online about how to better manage email. The problem is, most of them require consistency on my part. And that is where the system breaks down! :)

I find that when it comes to email, I am my own worst enemy. Who is it that sends me the most emails that I don't know what to do with? ME. As a creative person, I am always finding new ideas and inspirations. And for some reason, I find the need to email myself these ideas, and a link to something oh-so-cool that's related to them. So my Gmail inbox is full of reminders from me, nifty interesting things to read, thoughts about a project I need to work on, amazing tools I found online that are SURE to change my life, and list-serve emails that I somehow managed to sign up for since my last subscription purge.

Last time I sat down to deal with my email problem "once and for all," I ended up using a gmail labs to separate my inbox into a few categories. Unfortunately, managing categories doesn't really work from my blackberry, and that's generally where I deal with my email. So, we will see how this works out now that I finally have a netbook!

My current main categories, partially inspired by GTD, are:

1. Calendar (so that I can sit down with the requests and the calendar and try to make wise decisions)
2. Respond
3. Read (for longer emails that don't require a response, but I don't have time to read now)
4. Pray
5. Action

After a couple months of having these categories, the ones that seem most helpful are calendar, read, and pray. This helps to deal with a few of the emails that I keep reading and then leaving in the inbox, so I don't have to keep going through all them, thinking "why did I leave this here, again?" Also, if I have time to pray or read, it's easy just to pull those up and not get distracted by all the other stuff. I also have a category called Waiting, which I hope will no longer be necessary now that I installed boomerang!

The category I like the least is "Action" (shocking, I know). My major realization last week was that I am very much drained by miscellaneous "to do" lists. However, I am inspired and motivated by projects with a worthwhile purpose. So I think the key will be to get all those details connected to a project! For example, instead of "schedule dentist appointment" and "plan a healthier menu" being on a big long list jumbled in with other random things - perhaps they can both be a part of a project to become more healthy.

Some technology that is actually making my life easier:

my blackberry
my netbook (my husband got it for me in an ebay auction!)
xmind (free mind-mapping program - makes so much more sense to my creative mind than lists do!)

Some technology I am hoping will make my life easier:

Next steps toward email sanity:

figure out how to get "action" emails into projects, probably in xmind
play the email game more often!
set aside time to go through each category (listed above) on a regular basis

Tune in next time to see if any of those steps do any good! LOL

Here's hoping that blogging about my current project, working on my time management, will also help. :)

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Grief. Joy.

2011-03-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

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Today, I grieve.

I grieve so many marriages ripped apart, and my heart along with them.

I grieve what could have been - if my heart had not been so crushed by life at such a young age. Or if I had opened my frightened heart to His healing hands a couple decades sooner. I don't understand why a life that seems easy on the outside could have been so full of suffering on the inside.

I grieve a friend who gave up so many years ago, and I wish I could go back and breathe life into him. Speak to him of truth and Love made flesh that died so we don't have stay in death. I wish I could share the hope I now have. Too late happened too fast. Why didn't I grasp grace sooner so I could give it away?

So I ask myself, in the midst of sorrow deep, can the good news be good to me today? Can it bring me joy today?

I know that the answer is yes...

...Because I know the God who can somehow love the adulterous wife - chase her, woo her, adore her - with no less love than if she had been faithful. Because His Son took all the judgement and retaliation she deserves.

...Because I know that somehow God's glory is being revealed through my story. And though I wish it had been sooner, He has healed my heart in ways I never would have imagined possible. And He will continue. Because Jesus conquered death and He breathes his victory into me when I collapse with defeat. He is making me new. He is pulling out ugliness at its root, and it is a beautiful thing He is doing.

...Because I know that God's grace and love and sovereignty weren't on hold until I grasped them. My God is alive and active regardless of how I feel and what I think. He pursues His beloved creation, with or without me. He doesn't need me. Yet, He includes me anyway when He sees fit. He fills broken vessels with love - so full that it spills out over the top and splashes those around. What a crazy, beautiful miracle.

The same God who walks with me through the darkest valley also leads me to quiet streams, peaceful meadows. Places where flowers grow and I can twirl and laugh and be filled with His joy. He refreshes and restores my life.

The sun could rise and set each day, without fanfare, and it would still be an amazing creation. Yet God takes the opportunity to create a masterpiece in the sky that is just for today. It will never be the same again...He will start all over tomorrow. He made waterfalls that wash my soul, friends who know exactly what I mean and friends who don't understand but love me anyway.

This same God made my quirky husband who often forgets his manners but always loves me radically and brings me breakfast in bed on the tough mornings (which are many) and who daily serves me and daily delights in me. It baffles me how he so often sacrifices for me, and it points me to the cross where Jesus sacrificed for me.

This same God made daffodils. Such silly, unnecessarily frivolity. Yet God knew that it would romance the hearts of those He created.

I don't understand this world, this life. It is far too horrible and far too wonderful to understand. I would have made it all different if it had been up to me. Thankfully, it's not up to me.

I am so blessed to know this God who is not shaken, who cries my tears, who woos my heart, who understands what I do not understand, who's big enough to handle it all, yet draws so close in the midst of each moment.

This is where I find my joy.

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Enough

2011-02-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

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There are so many things we do and say that really mean, “It’s not enough.”

I’m frustrated and I’m exhausted. My brain quit a while ago and now my motor skills are starting to go. But I keep pushing myself. Why?

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough to do what I have the mental, physical, and emotional energy to do and then trust God with the rest. Because I need more than what God has provided. I need more energy, more time, more money, more accomplishment, more order, more, more, more.

He’s given me 24 hours in each day. And that is a gift – none of it is promised.

Today is enough.

There are so many things that need to be done. I’m not the leader I want to be, the wife I want to be, the homemaker I want to be, the family member I want to be, the person I want to be. But I won’t accomplish it all today. That much doesn’t happen in 24 hours. I am limited. Is that a curse? Or a blessing?

I do look forward to life after death, where I get to spend eternity with God and there are no limitations on that time. But for now, He has given me 24 hours per day. Because He knows I am weak, He knows my frame, He knows I come from dust.

Can I gratefully accept this gift of 24 hours? Can I say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day. It is long enough for all You want to accomplish within this day. Show me what You want me to do today, and help me be grateful for the number of hours in it. Thank you for reminding me when it is time to rest.

Thank You for this gift of time.

It is enough.”

___

Hometown

2010-12-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

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Where is my hometown?

My hometown is a journey.

A journey that I walked alone, with God in pursuit of me. He was nearer than I realized.

I could go on a pilgrimage and sew the pieces of my life together with car-thread and heart-stitches. But the pieces are not all in one place, waiting to welcome me when I return.

Where is my hometown?

I could pick a place I've lived so that I have an answer to your question. But it seems you are looking for something more, something that has deep meaning for you.

Something I do not have.

Is there a place out there where I feel like "one of the locals"? If there is, I haven't been there yet!

I still don't have a clue of how to raise a pig.
I still don't understand why suburbanites edge their lawns, or worse, put chemicals on them.
I still can't handle the sustained pace and intensity of 3 million people sharing such a small space.

I long for heaven, where I can be with my Father and with our whole family, glorifying Him in all our unique ways.

In the meantime, I am here.

Here,
in this city of roses and stumps,
coffee and natural beauty,
rain and weirdness,
I am growing roots.

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emmanuel

2010-12-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

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a heart cracked open
   pouring out love
      bleeding hands
         gushing side

one bright star
   one small baby
      and the world
         is forever changed

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Today is for…

2010-10-16T16:16:00.001-07:00

Today is for remembering that God is in control. He has a plan, not only for me, but for every person I know. And every person I don't know. He has a plan for the city I live in, the country I live in, and the countries I don't live in.

He has a plan for the poor. For the suffering. For the details undone.

And His plan will bring Him glory.

And, here is the best part… He is fully capable of accomplishing His plan! He is organized, capable, creative, competent, and He never gets stressed out. His resumé is full. His qualifications are PERFECT.

He is kind enough to include me in the process, even though He doesn't need me at all. But THAT is not for today. You see, today is a Sabbath day for me.

So today I will breathe. I will remember that He has His calendar under control. He is not in desperate need of an assistant, and He doesn't need me to remind Him of what needs to be done.

I can stop for today, and He will KEEP WORKING! I don't need to leave Him a list of instructions for what needs to be done while I am gone. I don't need to worry about what will be piled up waiting for me when I return. He is quite capable.

Am I selfish to stop today? That IS a nagging fear. But I think that there is such great wisdom in the way He instructed His people so long ago to rest and worship Him. To look at Him. To look at what He has done and say, "It is good."

Today I can rejoice in the beautiful gift that Jesus has set me free. Free to observe the Sabbath. Free to NOT observe the Sabbath. Free to work. Free to rest. Free to proclaim His name from the rooftops. Free to whisper it into the blogosphere.

Today I choose to live what I believe – in a different way than on other days.

I tell myself that my works are not necessary to gain His approval. That my help is not necessary to accomplish His plan. He is able. Yet He loves me and allows me to join Him.

Tomorrow, I will proclaim the gospel with my words, with my works. I will step out in faith to share my heart with others, to hear their hearts.

But today, I will be still, and know that He is God.

I will proclaim the gospel with my stillness.

With my peace.

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Five Years

2010-08-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that there is one thing I have been learning over the last 5 years:

I am weak.

In my areas of weakness, I am weak.

In my areas of strength, I am weak.

I need God's help.

When I help myself, I heap on extra helpings and gain many pounds. When I find help in books, I may add rules to the gospel. Or I may discover profound truth, and think myself wise, as pride creeps slowly in. When I find help from people, I am tempted to rely on them too much.

I need God's help.

My personality and my circumstances combined to create a form of strength for a moment, but it quickly wore off.

Everything I rely on to save me from the pain of this moment ultimately fails me.

So I choose rely on the God that seems silent sometimes. The One who allows me to wonder if He is really coming to rescue me. He always does. But He is teaching me to believe it before I see Him coming around the bend on the white horse. The waiting and doubting seem to last so long!

But never as long as these last 5 years.

I remember wondering how long it would take me to adjust to this new place.

"Give it a year," she said.

A year to adjust to the city. But how long to adjust to the reality of all that I left behind?

How long to adjust to the reality of who I am without my support system?

How long to adjust to the ever-changing difficulties I walked into?

How long to learn that I can't do this life - ANY of it - without God's help?

Five years.

Living in Draft

2010-05-24T17:42:00.001-07:00

One of the first few roses of spring that hint of the bounty to come.

Incomplete thoughts scrawled in my journal.
Seeds of songs recorded on my phone.
Half-written blog posts waiting to be completed.
Friendships being built.
Vision being uncovered within our church body.
A life-long marriage that is five years old and ready for kindergarten. :)
New habits being developed and many more that are hopes for the future.
Half of an herb garden.
Some clutter collecting dust while it waits to be organized or sent away.
A realization that I am made to write, but not a lot written quite yet.
A passion to shed the debt that weighs us down, but still taking baby steps.
A Savior that has ransomed me, but not yet returned to take me home.
Living in this unfinished draft of a life and learning to be satisfied
and peaceful in this place.
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A Sabbath Day

2010-05-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I choose to do what I long to do.

I set aside the "shoulds" and "ought to's" and I follow the way that He whispers to my soul.

One of the things I've been trying to do on this 3-month Sabbatical from my volunteer staff role at church is to LISTEN.

OH, how I LONG to hear clearly what God is saying. Life makes so much more sense when I can hear what He is saying.

The challenge is quieting myself. Not an easy task for this ponderer with meandering thoughts!

One night, recently, I was awake in the middle of the night. Couldn't fall back asleep. I wondered if I should read something encouraging to my soul, if I should go downstairs and see if sleep success could be found on the couch.

But I didn't want to leave my husband to wake up alone... so I asked, "Lord, what should I do?"

"Walk."

Hmmmm.... Well, it wouldn't make sense to go outside in the middle of the night. So I pace - from the front of the living room to the back hallway. And as I do, I read a few snippets from my devotional book and I pray.

The energy works its way out and the peace works its way in.

And I am amazed at His wisdom. This thought would not have occurred to me - I mean really, pacing in the middle of the night!

Yet, it was exactly what I needed.

A couple days later, it was my day off, and I was hazy - in and out of sleep, happy under the covers. And as I laid there, not yet alert enough to be distracted from His voice, I heard Him...

He said, "Write."

And so I had a lovely Sabbath day of finishing up a few posts I had written long ago but never finished and posted, and writing new draft thoughts. Then I went for a walk, and everything I saw seemed so alive with His presence.

A week later, it occurs to me that these words He spoke were not only for those moments, but were His guidance in the unfurling of this life of faith.

So today, on this lovely Sabbath day - which, for this church-worker family, is never on a Sunday - I WALKED.

I still marvel at the fact that I can hop in my car and in less than ten minutes, I can be here:

I can hardly believe that I get to behold this beauty...

And now I WRITE.

And my soul feels so alive!

It is the most wonderful feeling to hear God's direction for this moment, for this season, and then obey.

It makes me want to get so much better at hearing Him, and so much better at obeying!

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What does love smell like?

2010-04-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I had the privilege of accompanying the Servant Year interns on a mission trip to Spain where we got to assist with an amazing conference called ContraCorriente. As a side trip, I got to visit my second cousins who are missionaries in Madrid.

It was fun watching their family in action - just doing the regular daily activities:

Playing in the park
Stopping at the meat market and the produce market (reminded me of Sesame Street!)
Picking up kids from school
Going to ballet lessons
Learning English with mom
Reading bedtime stories
Playing chess (yes, their kids were smarter than me, even then!)

They seemed to really enjoy one another - loving each other throughout the daily tasks.

One thing I will never forget is how every fabric in their home smelled so good. The sheets on the bed, the clothes their children wore, the hand towel in the bathroom...

I was fascinated by this, because by the time I pulled my clothes out of my closet at home, they certainly didn't smell like laundry detergent anymore! I just had to buy some of this amazing Spanish detergent and take it home with me!

Once I got home, I searched and searched for a laundry detergent that smelled that good, even after the clothes came out of the dryer. I never did find any.

Several years have passed, and the smell of my laundry detergent isn't as important to me as it once was. I realize now why I was so devoted to getting that smell in my home...

It smelled like love.

What I really longed for, without realizing it, was a home filled with love.

It reminds me of another smell that makes me smile...the smell of bacon cooking. I imagine myself waking up at Grandma's house to that wonderful smell, knowing that this was a special meal for special guests - and that included me! :)

Now, I find myself going about my precious few days at home, loving my God and loving my husband and getting LOTS of love in return. And I don't think too much about what it smells like.

It makes me wonder - when i have kids and they grow up... what will love smell like to them?

What about you?

What does love smell like to you?

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A Simple Life in the City?

2010-03-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

I want to live a simple life.

I will admit, though, that I LOVE to explore and discover. I especially love OPTIONS. Living in the city is definitely where I want to be - especially this wonderful city that is so close to the woods, waterfalls, mountains, and beaches. I love being able to follow through on whims. Last week, it was the inspiration to head to the beach. Then, the next day, having high-quality coffee (with latte art, of course) and praying with a friend before heading off to our multi-cultural church.

Living surrounded by options requires a LOT of discipline, though. Because I absolutely cannot live in a way that makes full use of my options, or realize my "potential" in every area. I refuse to live a fast-paced life, chasing consumption, saving the world, running to keep up with myself. I have been tempted and sucked in to this life too many times!

I wonder if it is possible to live in the city, among all these options, and actually CHOOSE something? Even if I change my mind later, I can't just choose an "everything" life. Because that is actually an exhausted life!

If I am to live surrounded by options, I must say no to most of them. One thing I'm discovering is that there is a bit of grief that I go through in saying no to some things in order to choose others. Especially when I have to say no to something exciting or fun or inspiring and say yes to the basic chores of life. Or say no to someone in need so that I can get some needed rest and recreation time.

I spent a good number of my growing up years in a very small town - Sedalia, population 274. Apparently the population has grown by 24 people since 1875. When I lived there, there was no grocery store, unless you count Mr. Brown's grocery (pictured above).

No restaurants.

No pizza delivery.

No 911.

No police, except a temporary intern who camped out for speed trap next our house.

There was a gas station, until the pump broke.

There was a school, though certainly not geared to help a creative type like me to thrive.

I think you get the idea. Not many options!

However, there are things I miss...

People sitting on porches.

Evening walks.

Waving and saying hi to everyone.

Not hearing the word "busy."

So one of the quests of my life is to capture a piece of country life and live it here, surrounded by options. After all, what good are options, if I don't choose the best ones?

So today, after some quality time with a friend and her son, I chose to walk to the grocery store. Buy just a few needed items. Enjoy the walk. Taste the recipe they are sampling at the counter. Blog for a bit before preparing a homemade meal.

A Simple Life in the City.

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Centered and Free

2010-01-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

What if I lived the contemplative life?

What if I allowed myself the space to draw near to God? To take delight in Him and in His creation? To think and to clear my mind and allow His thoughts to enter in.

What if I treated myself as I would treat those I most honor?

What if I lived a CENTERED life?

I don't want to live a self-centered life. I don't want to live an others-centered life (this sounds very pious, but is in fact quite tumultuous). I don't want to live an un-centered life. I want to live a God-centered life.

Why is it that the path to a God-centered life FEELS self-centered? I have to say no to others in order to create space to find God and draw near to Him.

I can hear the critics in my mind:

"It must be nice to have all that time to think."

People who feel trapped will often, unintentionally, make you feel guilty for being free.

I refuse to remain trapped. My King has set me free.

I will not work my fingers to the bone trying to save the world. God is the only one who can save the world. He already sent His Son to die so that every person has the choice to be free. If I run myself ragged and white-knuckled through life, how will they see what freedom looks like? If I talk as someone who is trapped, how will I offer anyone a way out of their trap?

By living in freedom, we offer an invitation to those around us to be free.

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pause

2009-10-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Wisdom is churning

as I

pause.

The world is swirling

all around me

as I

pause.

I don't have to stop it.

I don't have to keep it going.

Let it swirl.

I will

pause.

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I Finally Found My Calling

2009-03-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the beach awhile back, and I had this thought:

This is what I am called to do...

I am called to sit here and look at the ocean.

I'll wait for you to stop laughing before I continue. :)

Now, obviously, this is not the entirety of my calling. That would be unbiblical. Yet there is something about sitting and enjoying His beauty that is essential to who I am created to be.

There is something very right and very holy about looking at His creation and resting in the fact that He made it - and He didn't need my help! And it is all so stunning. What is it about women that we walk around with this perpetual feeling that everything will fall apart without us?

That's one thing I love about God. There is absolutely nothing I can do, or leave undone, that will change the fact that He is completely fulfilled and completely capable.

If I stop serving or strategizing or cleaning or fixing for a little while, He somehow manages to take care of the whole universe without me! It sounds obvious, I know, but it isn't until I'm sitting and staring at a vast ocean or a peaceful waterfall or giant trees that it really sinks into my heart again.

I don't have to be motivated by guilt or fear. He has it all under control. All I need to do is draw near to Him and just do what He tells me to do and be who He wants me to be in this moment.

I don't have to save the world, mend all the broken hearts, fix all of the dysfunction, end hunger and poverty (that one isn't likely anyway, since Jesus said the poor will always be among us), and make sure my home is spotless and that I have put a healthy, inexpensive dinner on the table while I am at it!

The Bible is God's story about Himself and His purposes. There's so much wisdom in there about who I should be and how I should live. Yet He makes it really clear that it's not about learning all those "shoulds" and then adding them to my to do list for this week!

The idea is to draw near to Him, abide in Him, and let Him glorify Himself through me. To let Him live... not me. To let Him love... not me. To let Him be gentle...not me. To let Him be kind... not me.

But doesn't that sound...wrong?

Doesn't the Bible say I'm supposed to be kind and gentle?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25

I can't be kind or gentle any more than I could reach inside my heart and pull out a kumquat. My job is to keep in step with the Spirit. He produces the fruit! (I am glad, though, that He didn't leave us wondering what the fruit looks like!)

“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." John 15:5

So where did I get the notion that following God is more about DOING than ABIDING?

Selah.

Acts of Hope

2009-03-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard someone say that when you are depressed, you should help someone else? Have you ever heard someone say that you should praise God even when you don't feel like it?

I've been told these things more times than I can count. And it was always a struggle for me to wrap my heart around.

Because there were many times that I had been depressed in the past and helped others, and in the process I was believing things that weren't true - that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter, that I had to fix them in order to be okay. But those didn't come from God - they came from the enemy of my soul who wants to keep me as far from God's love as possible.

And there were times that I didn't feel like praising God and it seemed like I would be fake or a hypocrite if I praised Him anyway.

Can you relate to either of these?

Well, this morning, my heart began to grasp this in a greater way. I will explain with a story...

Imagine yourself on the bus, 5 minutes away from home. You are holding an apple, and you are about to start eating it (discreetly, of course, so that the bus driver doesn't notice...) when a desperate-looking man asks if he can have your apple.

Now, you happen to know for a fact that there is a big bowl of fruit sitting on your kitchen table. So, you hand him your apple without a second thought.

You can hand him the apple because you have the hope of eating an apple in just a few minutes. And if you want, maybe you will also eat an orange and a kiwi.

Well, the application of this is a lot more difficult, but it is the same principle. I know (whether I feel it or not) that God loves me, that my feelings DO matter to Him, and that I can trust Him to fix whoever or whatever needs to be fixed.

So I can reach out and encourage someone, even when my heart feels hopeless, because I have hope in a God who has a whole bowl full of love and encouragement waiting for me! Even if I can't see it.

And, I can praise God, not pretending to be happy, but choosing to focus on the things that are true even when I don't feel them.

The truth is, if you have confessed with your mouth Jesus is truly in charge of the whole planet and your life and believed in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, then you have a real and factual hope.

So even if you don't feel hopeful, you can still act on the hope that you have.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:5)

Character Sketches, Volume 4: A Shepherd's Heart

2009-02-16T06:11:00.000-08:00

Volume 4 is definitely the hardest to write. One of the toughest parts of leaving Chicago was leaving the one who was shepherding my soul. It all seemed so fun at the time, that I never realized fully what I had until I was 3,000 miles away.

Is it possible to describe what it was like working with Pastor Kevin?

To have meetings while someone was throwing a ball at the wall next to your head. To be constantly on the verge of something incredible.

To have someone there to tell you when it's time to rebuke, when it's time protect, when it's time to press through, and when it's time to let go.

To have someone willing to climb into the car you just crashed and get it unstuck from the other car.

To have someone to call when you just got back from a missions trip, you're sick as a dog, and your apartment just got robbed.

To learn something about computers (or boats), get an SAT word of the day, get a nugget of spiritual wisdom, a little bit of Strongbad, and half of one more sentence and he's out the door...

One of the incredible priveleges I had was spending time with Pastor Kevin and Gillian at their house from time to time (especially when they were mentoring us toward marriage).

There, I got to see a household that is somehow run like a tight ship and cruise ship all at the same time... Spontenaity and routine imperfectly intertwined to create a perfect balance.

As each year of marriage passes, I am all the more grateful that they were willling to trade their pain in for our joy - to go through all the unnecessarily difficult parts of marriage so we didn't have to. (I mean, really, the necessarily difficult parts are enough, aren't they!)

They trained us well, and with each storm we weather, we are so grateful to have such a solid foundation!

We also got to catch so many glimpses of them raising their kids- I loved the brilliant way they taught them how to repent, how to love one another, how to show respect, how to receive love, how to love God - and that they were daring enough to let people see when they made mistakes.

The truth is, it's not really possible to explain what it was like being shepherded by Pastor Kevin & Gillian - At least not on a blog post. You know what will fit on the post, though? Everything Pastor Kevin has done to annoy me...

Regardless of the quality of someone's character, if you work with them full time, it's pretty much a guarantee that you will get annoyed with them at some point. Perhaps every few weeks? Every few months?

Well, over the course of working with Pastor Kevin for 3 years, I got annoyed with him 2 1/2 times. For those of you who aren't too good with statistics, that is less than once per year.

The first time I got annoyed with him was about (drumroll, please......) the size of the file folders in our file cabinet. He wanted legal sized and I wanted letter sized.

The truly ironic part?

Now, I work at an office that does all filing electronically.

The second time I got annoyed with him, I honestly don't remember. (Must've been extremely important.)

The "half" time I was annoyed with him was when the Servant Year staff was meeting for, in my view, an important prayer meeting. It was when our staff was at its largest, and we were all there - except him.

He had accidently double-booked the meeting at the same time as his daughter's ballet concert.

I was irritated for a few minutes, as his "employee", and then I saw it from my pastor's kid perspective (growing up as the child of a pastor adds a truly unique perspective to life). I saw that, sure, he double-booked (most of us have done it at some point), but when it came down to priorities, he picked his daughter.

And that is so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. That is a choice that will stay in my heart's memory.

That is what a humanly flawed, God-focused man does.

That reflects the heart of God.

Character Sketches, Volume 3: A Man of Prayer

2009-02-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

I met George at a ministry called The River near Clark & Belmont on the north side of Chicago. Hmmm, how can I describe what The River was like?

The River was where I got to see God move in ways I had never seen before, to cry out to Him until the wee hours of the morning, to start to live out the Acts 2 community for a few hours each week, to learn submission, to be free in worship, to serve, to be humble enough to let someone else serve me, and to do it all in the midst of a one of the most spiritually dark neighborhoods of Chicago...

There's really no way for me to explain it. I wish you could have been there to experience it! Maybe a few of the folks who were a part of The River can toss in a comment about what is was like.

George Mosher led The River. He showed up early to set up and stayed late until everything was packed up (we met in a back room of another church and stored our equipment in a closet there).

How can I describe George? There is really no one like him. So I will just tell you what it was like to be around him...

To have someone patient enough with us to keep teaching us about the importance of prayer and community even when he wanted to teach us to minister to the neighborhood... (All these years, George, and I'm still working on the prayer and community part).

To have someone who will pray for hours on his own, then pray with you, for you, and in front of you - then take time to encourage you.

And after another exhortation on the importance of prayer and another gentle explanation of how to pray - just when you think he is the most intense person who has ever lived, he breaks into his Russian accent and you are rolling on the floor laughing.

When God gave the instruction that it was time for the River to end and for all of us to devote ourselves to our newly planted church, George shifted his focus to the prayer ministry at New Life Lakeview (at the time, it was called New Life North, but that has proven to be far too vague now that God has continued to use New Life to plant/restart churches around the city of Chicago).

George served in other areas in the church in different seasons, but what remained constant was the prayer ministry.

So, for the seasons that I felt God calling me to be a part of the prayer ministry, the privelege of praying under George's leadership continued.

And in addition to the incredible privelege of seeking God on behalf of New Life Lakeview, and doing so in community, I got another blessing: George encouraged me and shared his own walk with God (the good AND the hard parts) so that just in those brief conversations every week, I learned priceless lessons about following God.

Drawing near to God and making disciples... that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

---

Character Sketches, Volume 2: A Woman of the Word

2009-02-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

Raquel is someone who knows and believes the Word of God. When she opens her mouth to give wise counsel, her words drip with the Word of God even when she isn't quoting Scripture.

Countless times I have been listening to a sermon and heard a verse - or have been doing my devotions - and would run across something that Raquel had said.

I remember sitting in my basement with her when she was mentoring me. I would spout off about some problem I was having, and she would say, "Well, let's see what the Word says about that."

She would flip right to the Scripture that addressed my problem directly and have me read it. So there I was, staring right at what God says about my problem.

How many times have I opened my mouth and spoken words that show no resemblance to God's Word?

How many times have I opened my mouth and spoken words that are in direct disobedience to His Word?

I can't even bear to fathom the answers to these questions.

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to GOD - through Jesus Christ, our
Lord!

Raquel also opened my eyes to the spiritual realm. She had this quirky belief that the stuff that God does in the Bible, He is actually able to do here and now.

Imagine that! And here I had been separating the two for my whole life. Crazy.

She shared with me her experiences with her spiritual gifts and how she longed for others to experience the same thing. She told me stories of how God had shown up miraculously when she was growing up in the mission field in Brazil.

She exercised spiritual discernment on my behalf when I had none. She taught me how to pray over my house when we sensed evil in our midst.

And how self-centered I was! When God blessed me with the privelege of catching a glimpse of the spiritual realm, I loved it at first, but when I found it frightening or inconvenient or strange, I resented it.

I mean, who has time to pray the blood of Jesus over their house when class starts, across campus, five minutes from now?

And what if I'm late? What am I supposed to tell my teacher?

I shouldn't have to... I, I, I, I... (it is all about me, isn't it?)

Lord, forgive me for refusing to see the fullness of what You can do, beyond my understanding or comfort.

Restore my eyes! Allow me to see you working in the supernatural realm!

I want to be open to Your voice and Your work... and this time, on Your terms, not mine.

Raquel is someone who understands authority. She knows how to submit to authority, and how to exert authority when God gives it to her. She taught me about how we are under God's covering when we submit to authority, and that we are only to go against that authority when it is in opposition to God's will.

That one is tough! I wonder what it would have been like if I had recognized the authorities God had placed over me throughout my life, and trusted Him and obeyed Him by submitting to them. My parents, my teachers, my bosses, my pastors... Oh, how much heartache I would have been saved! Not to mention the heartache of those around me!

Lord, help me to honor you by honoring those you place in authority over me.

Give me the strength to let go of what I think is the best/most efficient way of doing things and trust You.

Help me to let go of my preferences and exchange them for Your glory.

Raquel also modeled humility for me. She told me that she had said something to her husband (and of course I don't remember what it was) and she had to go back and apologize to him and ask his forgiveness.

This blew me away. I don't think that ever in my life I had gone to apologize to someone of my own volition. For me, apologies were the result of confrontations.

It's still very difficult for me to apologize to people. And often, it is even more difficult for me to look at a situation and see my fault in it. It's so much easier (and less painful) to look at what someone else is doing wrong!

Yet more and more I find the freedom in admitting my faults - no longer having the stress of holding up this pretense of having it together. As it turns out, the only time I am not failing is when God is working through me.

Lord, help me to get out of your way!

Help me to humble myself and let you remove the barriers I put up to allowing You to work through me.
Help me to be quick to admit when I am wrong, and when I am not acting according to the way You have taught in Your Word.

------------------------------------------------

Character Sketches, Volume 1: Daddy's Girl

2009-01-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how much time has passed since I wrote the post about my grief over leaving Chicago and promised my readers a series of posts about just a few of the people who impacted me while I was there.

To be honest, writing this stuff HURTS, though in a healing way. But I have avoided that pain for too long. I am now rejoicing in the joy and peace that comes with embracing the difficulties God has for me. So here goes...

It is my hope that by sharing with you the character attributes of a few people who taught me how to walk with God, that you and I both will become more like them.

There were several people in Chicago who mentored me in the faith, not to mention the sages and prayer warriors who provided "pit stops" for me along the way. I wish I had time to speak of everyone who has impacted me deeply in my walk with God, including those who have walked alongside me.

But since I can't really blog for 40 hours a week (oh, how I wish I could!), I have narrowed it down to four people:

-Raquel, who mentored me

-Anja, who was my Bible study leader along with Raquel

-George, who taught me to pray

-Pastor Kevin and his wife, Gillian

Many have spoken into my life, served me, and sought God with me (and on my behalf). But these four people layed down their lives again and again and again and again...

DADDY'S GIRL

It always mysitified me how Anja always had so much love to share. She would always give these great big hugs that would break down every last defense you were holding up. There were several times that I thought I was doing fine, until Anja hugged me. Then, I began to cry.

And I wasn't the only one. She has a hug that says, "You are loved. You are safe. It's okay to go ahead and be you."

So where does she get that? For much of my adult life, I have felt like I barely had enough love to accept myself, be cordial to the people around me, and make it through the day. In fact, there have been long stretches of time when I dreamed of having even that much love.

So how could Anja be so ... full?

I knew it wasn't because she had an easy life. If there is anyone who has walked through more than her fair share of difficulty, it is Anja. Yet here she was - serving, loving, praying and at times, darn near bouncing up and down with joy.

Why?

Because Anja has a heart of worship. I have seen her pour out her affection for God in worship with a look of delight - the look of a Daddy's girl. She knows that she is completely accepted and loved by her Daddy.

When others were too self-conscious or disinterested, she would pour out her affection on God during Sunday morning worship (and that was not the only time she did it - she would also do this alone in her room with her guitar...). She would kneel, lay on her face before God, raise her hands, jump up and down, and generally express her heart to Him.

And because He is faithful and true, He would fill her up.

A heart that is full of God to overflowing. This is my desire. This is what I see in Anja.

Yet I tend to want the fullness and the overflow without the falling on my face before God. Without having to pour out my affections on Him and Him only. Without being willing to be used by Him as He wills (regardless of how I feel).

What I have truly sought after is the effects of a close relationship with God without the effort and humility required to actually draw near to Him.

It's about time I followed Anja's example, don't you think?

Father, I adore you.

I lay my life before you.

How I love you!

------------------------------------

Lessons Along the Journey: Accomplishment

2008-05-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

Lesson #4: Let go of accomplishment.

But God, you've been teaching me about diligence! I don't understand! I was just starting to get a little momentum with this diligence thing, and now you're telling me I don't have to accomplish any of it to be loved by you? That nothing I'm striving toward really matters?

Without my striving, without my criticizing, what is left? Emptiness. But why?

Because if day by day, I chip away at my goals, and I accomplish a few - then there will be more goals to accomplish. So, does success mean that I accomplish all of my goals? Does not accomplishing my goals mean that I have failed?

I was created for a relationship with God. My success, really, will be in how near to Him I am. The problem is, even though I can learn spiritual disciplines that will help me to draw near to Him, it is so easy to make "success" into accomplishing a set of disciplines. Because following God is not a matter of getting the set of instructions and going off to spend the next 40 years accomplishing them.

God's instructions for me change. Oh, sure, the basic ones don't. The principles that God spoke in His Word do not change. Praise God of the stability of His Word and His promises and His character! Yet I never know what He will want me to do in this moment until I ask Him. You see, He knows His purposes and where each person is along their journey. So, I might walk past the same man on my way to work every day, and God may give me different instructions each time.

One day, God may say, "Don't worry about that guy, listen to ME..let Me fill your heart." Another day, He may give me an encouraging word to give that man. Another, day, He may tell me to steer clear of this man, because God is protecting me from something I don't know about. Another day, He may tell me to give this man all of my money. How will I know what the right thing to do is if I don't ask God? God knows what is happening inside of me and what is happening inside of the man I pass on the street. He knows my future and He knows that man's future. So He knows what He wants to happen in this moment, on this day, as I walk past this man on the way to work.

So what if I get it wrong? What if I don't ask God what He wants me to do in that moment? What if I make an assumption and I breeze past Him when God wanted me to give him an encouraging word? Or I try to encourage him when I should have avoided him? What happens if I screw this up?

God uses it for good.

If God uses it for good if I get it right, and He uses it for good if I get wrong, then why bother asking what I should do?

Because I was created for relationship with Him.

I was created to be in His presence.

------------------

Lessons Along the Journey: Criticism

2008-05-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Lesson #3: Let go of criticism.

I have to stop criticizing. I have to stop the sick, negative cycle I have allowed myself into. I have to stop allowing myself to focus on other people's imperfections - especially in conversations behind their back.

I was listening to a message called "The Power of Words: Death and Life" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

It's a life-changing message - you don't want to miss this one! You could read it, but I definitely recommend clicking "listen" it will give you several options for how you can hear this amazing talk.

An amazing thing has been happening as I let go of criticism. I find myself with a lot more mental space and time to think and pray! Bonus!

Lessons Along the Journey: Success

2008-05-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Lesson #2: I CAN succeed! It won't be so difficult.

Now, that is a liberating thought! I've always gotten overwhelmed rather easily. I'm a "big picture" person, so instead of just putting away what I just got out, I tend to think of all the things in the house that should be put away, along with all the closets that need to be gone through, and the laundry with spots, and the mending, and errands, and the problems of my church, and world hunger, and... you get the idea. :)

And how could I possibly accomplish all of this? And by the time I get all of my closets cleaned out, the one I started with will need to be cleaned out again!

OK, deep breath.

Whew. That's better.

In this area, Flylady.net made a huge difference for me. With simple statements, like:

"You can do anything for 15 minutes."

"Imperfect housework still blesses your family."

"Progress, not perfection."

I feel like I've been given the tools to move forward, and not stay stuck.

So when I began to read a book called "The Slight Edge," Flylady's wisdom was coming back in full force! According to Jeff Olson, the author, the difference between people who are successful and people who aren't successful is actually very small. A few little things that are easy to do (but also easy NOT to do), consistently done over the years, add up to success.

In the same way that saving a dollar a day, with compounded interest, would add up to a lot of money in a few years, taking small & consistent steps toward success over a period of time are what get you there.

Now, this is in the category of "general principles" that could be easily mis-applied. Because if I thought I could achieve success without first ensuring that what I am aiming for is what God has told me to be aiming for, or that this means that I no longer need to depend on God for strength for each moment, then I could get myself into a lot of trouble. But, in the context of Biblical truth, this is a powerful principle to help me pursue what God is calling me to do.

So, once I am sure that I am headed in the direction God wants me, and am relying on Him each moment, I need to be diligent in doing the little things that will make the difference between success and failure.

Lessons Along the Journey: Diligence

2008-05-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

The journey I have traveled over the last few weeks has leaves me in awe today. God is transforming me. As I think over what God has taught me in the last few weeks, I think of how incredible it would be if I could hold on to these lessons and live them out for the rest of my life. So, uh, any accountability you want to offer is greatly appreciated. :)

Lesson #1: Diligence

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my tendency to start something new and exciting, get going on it, and then start something else new and exciting (leaving the first thing unfinished).

So, God has been teaching me about the value of finishing what I start.

The word for the season is: DILIGENCE.

Not a fun lesson, or even an interesting one, but an important one, nonetheless.

However, as an ENFP, this is a VITAL lesson for me if I am to fulfill my calling.

This quote from Personality Page says it all:

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

---

Alabaster Box

2008-03-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

Grief shows up in the strangest places.

You expect to find it in the valley. When that mountain top experience is a faint memory and all you can see is what you don't have and what you aren't doing and who you haven't become.

You expect to find it as you toil up the hill, when each step burns and doesn't feel like it's getting you any closer to the top.

But in your moment of joy? What a strange place to find grief!

Grief says, "Remember the last time you felt this warm sense of overflow? Remember the last time you felt this full of hope and vision? Remember the ones you loved that were there with you then? If only they could be here with you now..."

Today the joy and grief are swirling together inside of me... I feel like I have just peeked over the brutal hill I've been climbing and caught a breathtaking view of what's on the other side.

Part of me wants to run down the hill with wild abandon into what God has in store for me.

Part of me wants to go back a few paces on the path and grab the hands of those who are still struggling up the hill and pull them up.

Part of me is longing to be back where I was before I started climbing - happy and safe in the idyllic cabin I left behind, with all of my dear, dear friends.

Part of me wishes they could be here with me to see this incredible view.

At the Good Friday service I attended, I heard a young woman sing a solo - a song by CeCe Winans called "Alabaster Box". Here's the chorus...

And I've come to pour
My praise on Him-like oil
From Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash
His feet with my tears
And dry them with my hair

You weren't there-the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
When He wrapped His loving arms around me
And you don't know the cost
Of the oil in my alabaster box

Something just clicked for me when I heard that song. It had always been clear to me that I had come to Portland because God called me to. So whether or not I had made the right choice was not a question in my mind. I wasn't tempted to go back, because why would I want to be somewhere other than where God called me to be?

Yet I was so disillusioned and disappointed to realize that what I had in Chicago could not be replaced. My relationships there were a blessing too rich to describe. This was not just a different city, a different church, and different people, but a different life.

But it did not occur to me until the moment she was singing that song that everything I gave up when I moved here to Portland was my sacrificial worship to God.

And I truly believe that He is the only one who knows how much that cost me.

Sometimes I feel like Chicago was kind of a tease...that all that I never imagined I could receive was handed to me on a silver platter - and then it was taken away.

Occasionally, when the subject of Chicago comes up, someone will ask me if I miss my family. I always want to cry out, "YES! I miss them desperately."

But then I realize they're probably talking about my parents, and not only do they not know that my parents live in D.C., but they don't even know about my New Life family...and how could I describe it to them? How? If I could just show them the place inside of me that is ripped. If I could show them the pictures in my mind. If they could feel what it was like...

I don't have a "nutshell" response for that, you know? So I'll have to take some time in the next few weeks to tell you about some of the people who have poured themselves out for me - who modeled the characteristics of Christ for me.

For now, all I can think of is a phrase that I heard a lot in college...incarnational ministry. Because Jesus was willing to come down and put skin on and walk among us, eat with us and feel our pain to the point of death, we are also called to lay down our lives for others.

I am rather embarrassed that I didn't jump at the chance to live out what they modeled. That I sat licking my wounds and wishing I could have them back. I feel like God was holding out an offer to me:

"Here, Holly, you can live like them. You don't need them to do this for you. You can experience what it's like for me to touch people through you. Step out. I will do these things through you. It will be okay."

So, here I go, one bold step at a time...

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The Gap Between Knowing and Living

2008-02-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

It seems my faith journey is going in circles - learning and re-learning the same things again and again. It's a little discouraging, but I won't dwell on that. Wallowing never helped anybody grow. I am so excited because God recently provided me with a mentor here in Portland. At our first meeting, she said exactly the things I needed to hear. And now, I am looking back at my post from March 2007, and her key points are all right there. Oh, the humility!

This brings me to three conclusions:

1. God is extremely patient. So much so, that He is willing to teach me the same things, again, but in a different way this time. And still full of love.

2. It was remarkably naive of me to think that I could absorb profound, eternal truths and promptly apply them consistently and with great maturity. It takes practice, time, experience, grace, and patience.

3. There is gap between knowing something and living it. How do we overcome that gap? Time management? Incremental goal setting? With baby steps? The transformative power of the Holy Spirit? Through pain and suffering? By the grace of God displayed at the cross? With fear and trembling? Through Jesus Christ our Lord?

Yes.

And if I ever get there, I'll let you know how I did it. :)

The Edge, Not the End

2008-01-29T23:10:00.000-08:00

As I was reading Pastor Kevin’s blog today, it occurred to me, “I need to be blogging”. I need to write. It helps me process. So, if you read this and get any benefit out of it, that will be icing on the cake.

The quote that really has me thinking comes from John Palmieri, a really great meat-salesman-turned-pastor that I knew in Chicago. He says,

“I'm sure that many more are on the brink...the edge...of throwing in the towel and thinking that there just aren't any more options. My prayer is that churches that feel they are on the edge of closing their doors would realize that the edge doesn't necessarily mean the end...but just maybe the beginning -- an opportunity for something Fresh and New. After being a part of three restarts, two of which I was intimately involved...I've become a firm believer that what looks like the death of a church could very well be the closest to a fresh start then they have ever been before. Oh, God increase our faith - help us to see with your eyes and to have a true Kingdom mentality.”

As I reflect on where our church is, has been, and is headed, reading this triggered something in my mind.

Death and resurrection.

Dying to self.

We all know (and by “we” I mean those of us who have been significantly indoctrinated in the Christian faith) that being a Christian means taking up your cross daily. That in order to allow God to live through us, we have to die to ourselves.

Have you become anesthetized to this terminology like I have? Does the word “die” no longer evoke a visceral, painful image for you?

An incredible man of God at my church said to me once (as his wife was nearing death), “As Christians, we love to talk about heaven, but we don’t want to do what it takes to get there.”

Wow.

When it comes to actual death, are we afraid? I am. I’m not afraid of that moment when I die, but I am afraid of the deterioration process that will probably occur before hand (assuming I don’t die instantly). What scares me is the process of losing my basic abilities to function without help, or even to have coherent thoughts. To endure pain and be humbled by depending on younger people to do things like dress myself and go to the bathroom. I don’t know about you, but this is a sobering thought for me.

But the reward of making it through that, after having given my life to Jesus, is that I will see Him face to face. I will be in a place where there is no pain, only freedom.

To quote a Cross Movement song:

One day I won't cry no more

Can't wait for the day
when people won't die no more
Daddy's won't say “bye” no more; lie no more
In the streets, bullets won't fly no more

Won't feel no pain no more
Won't have to push, pull, won't have to strain no more

Won't have to
walk lame no more
Won't have to play the game no more.

This is what I have to look forward to, and thought of it fills my eyes with tears of joy. What encourages me most today, though, is that Jesus isn’t just coming back for me. He is coming for His bride – the Church.

And I have hope for my local church because it is a part of His Church. Not because of the leadership - the leadership consists of mere humans. Like myself, all they have to offer is what God does through them.

Our only redeeming -- literally-- quality is that we are the bride of Christ. He loves us. He died for us. He rose from the grave, victorious, for us. All to glorify His Name and His Character. He didn’t need to do it. And He certainly didn’t need our help to do it!

So why do we think He needs our help now?

As if by our intellectual wisdom, by our human efforts, we can piece back together what is broken and turn it into a thriving ministry.

I realize today that what I have been in the midst of is a dying church.

Don’t panic, fellow church members! There is redemption at the end. This is not a cynical, hopeless litany of what once was. Keep reading.

The process is humbling and painful. Just like the process of dying to self, it is nowhere near the warm and fuzzy experience we thought Christianity would be like when we listened to “Better is One Day” and “You are My King” (no disrespect to Passion, of course - just harkening back to the days when I thought my newfound passion for God would make life less difficult than it was before I was a “radical follower of Christ”).

We have discovered that we are incapable of paying for everything that was in our budget. We have discovered that we are incapable of producing all the ministries and events we envisioned. We have discovered that we are incapable of deep, reconciled, ministry relationships. And I think we are on the verge of discovering that God is capable.

But first, we have this process we tend to go through…

1. Realization of the true state of reality.

2. Shock, sadness, desperation.

3. Rolling up our sleeves and diving in, determined to save the day. Praying harder, meeting longer, thinking further outside the box, going, going, going, 24/7...

4. Getting tired, and, God forgive us, a bit angry/hurt and cynical.

5. The point of humility: asking others for help.

6. Discouraged and dejected – too burned out to even talk about church issues, we watch the
“others” go through the process above. We hope it will turn out different for them. (The “others” don’t understand why we don’t want to talk about this anymore. They encourage us, and some of us jump back to step #3 for awhile, if we have it in us…)

The people in our church are going through this in waves: First the staff and Council, then those closest to them, then everyone else, in layers.

I think we have to let go.

I think of the difference between the face of someone who just started battling a life-threatening disease, and the face of someone who has one foot in heaven.

Do you know that look?

That peaceful look of acceptance and being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. Yes, there is pain, yes I am incapable, but I am about to see His face. I have to let go of how I think things ought to be right now in order to embrace what He has for me.

There is no Resurrection without death.

I think sometimes in our personal lives, and also in our church, we try to hang on to what God did for us last week, last year. Sometimes, I’m afraid that if I let go of those things, I will be left empty-handed.

Despite the fact that we have seen God come through again and again, it doesn’t make the dying part easy. We think, if we were just more “spiritual” we could trust Him more and it wouldn’t be so hard. If we had more faith, we wouldn’t be crying out, “Why? Why?”

This makes me think of the verse in Matthew – the one I like to breeze past so I can get to the good part:

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About
the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sachthani? –
which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

(Wait a minute, you didn’t try to breeze past that part, too, did you? One more time, just to make sure…)

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

The truth is, God has never forsaken us. He let His Son go through that so we wouldn’t have to. But isn’t it interesting that even though Jesus completely trusted His Father and was without sin, He still asked why?

Too bad Job’s friends weren’t around to explain it to Him. They would have shown Him where He went wrong!

So the next question becomes, when do we reach the point of Resurrection? In the historical account of Jesus, about three days. But what about in our church? In our lives?

I don’t have the answer to that one. All I know is…

death comes before Resurrection;

the refining fire produces something extremely valuable;

we can’t hold on to what God did last time (or what we think we can accomplish on our own);

and we can’t skip the “Why?” part.

So, if I can’t fix the problem, and I don’t have the answer, what can I do?

I can fall on my knees and say to God,

Why, God? I don’t understand. Where did it all go wrong? Why can’t we just love each other and serve You together? Why does it have to be so hard?

I can’t do this. But I know that You can. My ideas didn’t work. My efforts failed.

God, bring us Your plan and Your power. We want to be Your church. Do what You want. Use us, if You want. Use someone else if You want. Turn Your church into what You want it to be. Bring us new life, a fresh start, a revival… a Resurrection.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

---

Whatever you do...

2007-03-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

Most of the lessons I learn, I learn by making mistakes. Case in point - You don't have to touch a hot object to get burned. Steam also burns. How did I learn this? When I made schweinebraten for the first time (which, by the way, tasted fantastic). Second lesson - Never put butter on a burn. This is an old wives' tale and actually makes it worse. How did I learn this? You guessed it - by putting butter on my burned hand. Of course, after I did, the nurse on the phone tells me, "Whatever you do, don't put butter on it..."

I'm starting this blog because I want to be able to share what I'm in the process of learning and hopefully glean some wisdom from what you've learned. Mostly, I desire a certain level of community that doesn't happen in those short conversations that happen after church or in quick phone calls and emails (especially the calls I don't make and the emails I don't write). And honestly, if you ask me how I'm doing on any given day, I'm not too likely to launch into soul-searching dialogue.

Before I jump into where I'm at now, I'll bring you up to date with a brief description of the most important lessons I have learned in my adult life.

1. Get enough sleep. So basic. And so un-spiritual sounding. Yet it has taken me YEARS to learn, and has had a profound impact on my spiritual life. As it turns out, when I don't get enough sleep, I have no desire to serve God and no memory of what is most important to me.

2. My relationship with God is what matters most. Seems like a no-brainer, yet for so long I was riding on ministry accomplishments (or plummeting with ministry failures), the spiritual maturity of those around me, etc. Mind you, this is not a lesson that has truly been incorporated into my life. Mostly, I have narrowed, by process of elimination, what doesn't matter most. So, I am no longer relying on those other things. Now, it is glaringly obvious how truly lacking my relationship with God is.

3. Focusing on what matters most requires intentionally NOT doing the things that matter less. This one has been a long and difficult process. Not only is it difficult to say no, but it's difficult to figure out which activities and events get axed. Because often, it is the good that gets in the way of the best (does anyone remember who said that?). And there are things that seem SO IMPORTANT, but because they rank lower than God, and God isn't getting my time, they must go. And there are layers to this - I keep learning more. Just recently, I've realized that just because God has called me to build relationships during this season doesn't mean that I should say yes to all godly relational activities. I have to say no to some things (such as some events where I'll see a lot of people but not truly connect with anyone) and initiate others (such as having coffee with that person I've been meaning to have coffee with).

4. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Perfectionism stifles action. This really started to hit home (pardon the pun) when I subscribed to www.flylady.net - because the result of my waiting for perfection had resulted in a messy, dirty apartment. Flylady has helped me with tools such as...work on it for 15 minutes, then STOP - even though it's not perfect.

5. Serving God means finding out what He wants me to do during this season of my life. It isn't simply a matter of finding out what I'm good at and then doing it at church. It also isn't simply signing up wherever they are desparate for volunteers, or doing whatever someone pressures me into doing (we must trust God to fill the needs in His church!). In fact, it doesn't even mean finding out my calling in life and jumping in. Because God not only has a plan for my life, but he has a plan for me for right now. And for this season of my life, He has called me to build relationships. Why? And how does that fit into the greater calling He has for my life? Well, the truth is that I don't need the answer to that question in order to be obedient and blessed. All I need is direction for the next step and His strength to take that step.

6. True wisdom comes from living out the most basic lessons. It's so easy to get so consumed looking for new profound thoughts that I forget to base my life on the most important ones! I believe that the most wise people are not those who know the most Greek, who have preached the most thought-provoking sermons, or who have had the most ministry success. Those who are truly wise are the ones who landed on a simple, vital principle and allowed it to transform their life. Brother Lawrence - who simply practiced dwelling in God's presence, even when he was peeling potatoes. Mother Theresa, who found joy in serving those in need. The little old lady at church who lives a simple life and prays and prays and prays. When I was younger, I wanted to be someone who accomplishes incredible things for God. Then, I just wanted to be who God called me to be. Now, I just want God. I want to be one of those people that is brought to tears and overwhelmed with joy just talking about Him. Not because of what I could accomplish if I were that way, but because I want to be near Him! And this is not because I am Spiritual and Full of Good Character. It is because not being near Him hasn't really worked out for me.

WHAT I'M LEARNING NOW: So I feel like I've narrowed my life down to the most important activities. It's almost shocking how little I'm doing. Yet I am still not able to pull it off. And I have thought to myself, "If I can't pull of following God in THIS situation, what happens if I have children? Or if I'm suffering in some way?" Well, I have discovered what the missing element is. It's not just a matter of doing what I'm supposed to do and ONLY what I'm supposed to do - in a general sense. It's a matter of seeking God's direction moment by moment - keeping constant communion with Him - and doing things by His strength. In short, what I need is to be led by the Holy Spirit. I can't do this on my own! I know what you're thinking..."It took her this long to figure that out?" Well, you shouldn't be surprised - it took me years just to figure out (again and again) that I have to get enough sleep! (Speaking of which, I'd better be off to bed soon...)

So, here is a question for you...Do you stay in communion with God throughout the day? What helps you to do this? What helps you remember to do this? (please comment below!)